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Silly Snippits from Sunny Leedsworth

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(Self)Criticism as Inspiration [Nov. 8th, 2012|03:32 am]
Silly Snippits from Sunny Leedsworth
I always find the inspiration to update this old chestnut when I absolutely have to try and go to bed as soon as I can, it's such a tragedy for me. But re-reading a lot of old posts (because I do that, because I have some sort of weird crush on my old livejournal posts, apparently) I can't help but notice that I never fail to mention how I should start writing in this. And given that the likelihood of anybody keeping up with this journal is unbelievably slim, this would be a great time to start.

For some reason I live in Los Angeles county now. Don't ask why, because I barely know what the answer is. It's weird out here, and crazy. And I'm planning on leaving in a few years. But it has moments, here and there.

I also live on Chestnut Avenue, so I get to refer to my apartment (MY APARTMENT - SO WEIRD THAT I SAY THAT) as "that old chestnut" ALL THE TIME. In my head, though. Because no one seems to love that phrase as much as I do.

The sun is stupid. Snow is great. Maybe I'll see it again someday.

More posts will follow, I give you my most vague and determined assurance.
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All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey. [Jun. 21st, 2012|12:02 am]
Silly Snippits from Sunny Leedsworth
I miss a lot of my friends. They're such valuable people; remarkable, admirable, interesting people. It really breaks my heart that I don't see them. It takes a lot of work to establish a close community and I think it's safe to say we've done it wrong. But I guess these kinds of things happen.

I somehow befriended an old man at work, who's writing a novel. If I'm being honest, it isn't great, but I'm helping him edit it anyway. He doesn't have anyone else to talk to about this book, and he brings the manuscript every single day, going over it carefully with a pen on every lunch break. He told me he used to be an architect. He told me that his daughter died, and that when he ended up functioning normally again, he started writing. His wife is tired of hearing about it . . . which means I hear a lot about it. And that means I can no longer be left alone to read other books during my breaks, but that's alright. I think my friend needs to talk.

What I have been doing a lot of is learning how selfishly I've lived, and how many adjustments I have to make so that I can be anything other than an unsociable hermit. Somehow, I think I've disappointed a lot of people. It might not even be true, and although I wouldn't really stand by all of my choices since high school, I do like the person I am. I just can't seem to get him to DO anything in the world . . . especially anything that makes money. And a big part of that is probably that I hate money. But there are other reasons to try and succeed with the talents you have. I've ignored that for a long time, preferring instead to feel empty. I think sometimes that God makes plans, and men laugh. But eventually they have to figure out that God doesn't do what they want. I'm not supposed to get used to being empty, and I'm not supposed to cherish my isolation, and I'm not supposed to tune everyone out so I can feel better about not doing any of the things they hope I can do.

So when the real opportunity actually came to leave almost all of my friends behind (again), and move to a brand-new place with nothing more than a hazy idea of what I'd be doing (again), I had to take stock of the reasons to stay here. Most of the ones I counted weren't as true as I was pretending they were. And the other ones were coming with me.

If you don't do this kind of thing when you're young, you probably won't do it at all. If nothing else, I need to start making sure I stop doing nothing at all.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever thought I'd be moving here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8sVtn3YhiA
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(no subject) [Dec. 12th, 2011|02:25 am]
Silly Snippits from Sunny Leedsworth
Begin obligatory, overdue, vague, and self-absorbed lj post. Here it is.

I've been doing quite a bit and at the same time very little, and I'm not exactly sure how to describe that but I think some people could relate. I'm tempted to write about life events and specifics but I've never really done that, so I don't think I'll start now. I have plans to start an actual blog - I realize that's sort of a diss on lj, but lj knows it has a friend in me, and good friends diss each other. It's healthy. I also write in a real journal sometimes, but it's almost always with the intent that my grandchildren or great-children will find it in a dusty box in an old attic, and so I think the audience determines the content a little bit. I will come right out and say that I'm tired of both food and customers, and could really go the rest of my life with only minimal interaction with either of them, and that would be great. I got a library card, and I'm determined to use it. Media and Books are battling for my soul - sometimes it seems that way. Media has been winning, I gotta turn that around.

I thought I had more but I'm pretty interested in trying to get some sleep tonight, so I think I'll start working on that. Sometimes I wonder if my generation will be the ones who get to watch Capitalism crumble into chaos, not that I want to facilitate that process, but if it means I no longer need to worry about earning a wage then I'll take it.

I'm reading some top-notch young adult fiction - baby steps. It's really great. Goodnight, everybody.
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(no subject) [Jun. 18th, 2011|12:14 am]
Silly Snippits from Sunny Leedsworth
It's been hot, I have the mosquito bites to prove it. Life is meaningful, but that can be difficult to prove. I bought a car. I might be a teacher. I'll probably go back to school.

What does Solomon mean when he says everything is vanity? Because that's a really big statement. It could strip the practicality right out of life. I mean, potentially. I think I've always kind of seen "doing things" and "thinking things" as fairly unrelated parts of reality. I guess they aren't, but I still think it's more of a Venn diagram situation - there's some overlap, but for the most part, not really. When I don't get any time to myself I get cranky, I am kind of cranky right now. Not too sure how I would handle children. I clean up after them at restaurants - they sure do make a big mess of things. But isn't that kind of the point? I'm starting to think that it has almost nothing to do with whether you want them or not. Most people will have them, and they will have to deal with it, and some will do much better than others. Modernity has kind of given us a "maybe" option with which to answer the question. Speaking of Venn diagrams, I'd say that the circle of people who answer the question "do you think you'll have kids?" with "I dunno, maybe," and the circle of people who are total burnouts has some good overlap. I don't want to be a burnout. But working is for chumps.

Summertime. I work a lot, and I work about as hard as I can, but usually it's more out of a sense that I have to than any kind of work ethic. This has the potential to create a pretty toxic cocktail of a life. Right now things are actually pretty great. But still, I'm usually anxious. Definitely going to grad school.

mememememememememe me me me me me me me me me.

I feel old, I would imagine that this feeling continues for quite a while.
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Grace Cathedral Park [Mar. 18th, 2011|03:35 am]
Silly Snippits from Sunny Leedsworth
Dangit, I want to go home. I am, though. That's the good news. Everything is vanity - truer words were never spoken. Solomon is my homeboy. Also, and I know that dropping this name is an instant tip in the "look at what I read aren't I just the smartest little gem in the jewelry store" direction, but Kierkegaard is the man. The man. Tonight is the kind of night where instead of feeling like I haven't grown up, I feel more like I'm bad at being an adult. I caught a rat tonight, but got pretty angry when I was asked to kill it. I don't like hurting things. If you ever have questions about how much humanity/morality you really have in you, and how/if the two tie together, grab a rat by the tail (through a cloth) and see what your first instinct is. It's interesting. Anyway, I put it in a box. It's out of the house. It's probably colder but at least I didn't kill it. I'm not really that into animal rights and all that, and I know it's a rat. It just bothered me. Deal.

I'm outta here. I'll miss a few things and people here and there, but for the most part, this is gonna be great.
Turns out I like bowling. It's fun. What.
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Meet me, meet me, meet the perfect me. [Feb. 22nd, 2011|09:52 pm]
Silly Snippits from Sunny Leedsworth
Today I learned that unemployment becomes substantially more awesome when you want to learn something fun. All I did today was listen to Deerhoof for hours, and then played the drums until my ears were ringing and I could barely move my arms. I don't think my housemates were crazy about it, but hey. A prophet is always hated in his hometown, and so is a kid with a drum kit.

I am moving to Colorado, but first I get to see the South. It's not a bad plan. I'm happy about it. In the last month I have started three books and can't bring myself to finish a single one. I think I'm restless.
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It's not worth it, just don't try. Through the '90s, I just got by . . . [Nov. 19th, 2010|10:07 pm]
Silly Snippits from Sunny Leedsworth
Something about '90s-college-radio-rock just really gets me. I love it so much. I wish I had had good taste and been fifteen years older during that decade, I would have fit in so well.

Top Five songs that exemplify what I mean:

5: Psychosomatica - Bedhead
4: Game of Pricks - Guided By Voices
3: Never Meant - American Football
2: Web in Front - Archers of Loaf
1: Gold Soundz - Pavement

I don't know what it is, this stuff and I just click.
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(no subject) [Nov. 2nd, 2010|05:03 am]
Silly Snippits from Sunny Leedsworth
[Current Location |the internet]
[Current Music |Red House Painters]

The internet is a weird thing. It's weird because it does things that living things do. It evolves and adapts. For instance, its culture has evolved. Things like livejournal are now flying under the radar because all a livejournal can do is share text with a group of pre-approved readers. It's like free publishing, to your own hand-picked audience. The things one person writes, he or she shares - which is a pretty old idea, it's just that the medium is digital. But now, an important part of internet culture is sharing other internet finds. The internet is so monstrous that a huge component of our interaction with it is exploring it and using its communication capabilities, the basic idea that got the internet ball rolling in the first place, to share what we've found on the internet . . . with other people on the same internet. It's its own instruction manual. You could call it a sort of internet cartography, and everyone is a volunteer.

Also, you can observe a lot about human morality on the internet. There is not only good and evil on the internet; there are different perspectives on and perceptions of good and evil as well. It makes it very human. And there are nice, neutral basics like cooking recipes and pictures of flowers. On second thought, maybe those aren't neutral. It's nice of folks to share recipes for free, and pictures of flowers are plenty alright, too.

I think I'm curious about it for a couple of reasons. For one, it's kind of a collective product of human consciousness - experiences, knowledge, follies, beliefs, and so on. What if in a hundred years or so, there exists almost no one without some individual contribution to the internet? That would be a weird way to unite the entire human population. For another, it doesn't really exist, the way life exists. I mean, the way it exists in its practical and intended form is only a matter of perception. The Internet exists in wires, hard drives, supercomputers, digital radio waves, and the lights behind monitors - or at least, the roads to access it do. But we see it, know it, experience it, and create it in a way that only really matters in light of human perception. With a book, the authorship, the physical mechanics, and the method of interaction are all present and perceivable. But websites exist on the internet, in "cyberspace," and our computers are just apparati for viewing them. It's like using a telescope to see something you couldn't see otherwise, but in that case, it's just that the something is too small to see otherwise. If you think of the computer as a telescope, then you are looking at a slide that doesn't really exist anywhere physical without the telescope. And that is weird.

And now I'm just curious, but very curious indeed, as to whether it's possible to destroy the internet. I'm not saying I want to, although it would be kind of cool, but just wondering if it is really possible for mankind to destroy the internet. I mean, I guess it's theoretically possible to destroy every single piece of code that comprises every website on the internet, but definitely not a practical possibility. But think about it: say that the entire world is somehow hit with globe-spanning electromagnetic pulse and every single piece of electronic equipment in the whole world is then useless. And then, something happens that prevents anyone from rebuilding anything electronic for the next 100 years. Say, global nuclear war or something, I don't know. Something. Anyway, during those hundred years, does cyberspace still exist? Where is it?

This is kind of boring now. But I wrote all of this so I could end on the conclusion that the internet is a monster: a frustrating and confusing monster, where language is changing at an unprecedented rate (see also: spelling is poor), and where convenience is either collapsing in on itself or trying to create a digital Tower of Babel. And all that to say that, unless it becomes a legal requirement during my lifetime, I am not going to get a twitter or a tumblr because I think they're weird, and in light of that, I hope to update on lj more often.
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(no subject) [Jun. 2nd, 2010|11:09 pm]
Silly Snippits from Sunny Leedsworth
So I'm reading through the days of yore on livejournal instead of writing the paper that I desperately need to be working on, and I found this entry I wrote about the first time I picked up a hitchhiker. It's here (http://gen-madness.livejournal.com/2006/12/01/) and it was over three years ago. But it freaks me out a little that I had completely forgotten that this happened. I had to read the whole thing twice before I remembered it. It makes me want to write things down more often. Maybe I should start a real blog. I probably won't though. Anytime soon, at least.

I want to make music. It's how I think and it's who I am and it's what I want to do. The adult world, especially where business is involved, scares me, and at this point I don't even feel like I should just toughen up and get into it. I'd rather stay out of it to the extent that I can. It's so soulless and automated: if I were an insurance salesman then I don't think I'd ever be happy again. I'm not trying to say that I'm above all that, because it's important stuff. We are in equal need of both clockwatchers and daydreamers. But I'm not wired for that kind of thing: just making a schedule stresses me out. Since the organized world tends to be run by the people who are motivated to run it, I feel convicted sometimes, and by who or what I do not know, about the fact that I don't want to sell insurance or manage stocks. I think I'm done with that, though: I like the things I'm inclined to do and the way I see things, and no clockwatcher is going to convince me otherwise. Sometimes stubbornness can be really helpful.

That said, I have reason to believe (we all will be received in Graceland) that I will not be wealthy or that successful. But really, mo money, mo problems. I'll take that.

Almost done with school: it is sad and awesome. I don't want to spend long talking about it because it's going to happen anyway, regardless of what I think or say about it.
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Talking just to hear myself, I drive a lot. [Apr. 6th, 2010|01:19 am]
Silly Snippits from Sunny Leedsworth
I wish I drove a lot. Driving by myself is probably on the list of things I look forward to most when going home.

Most things that I point out about myself on here are things I say I should work on; ignoring people and emotions seems to be a theme. I think I'm trying to give myself too much credit by saying I can change this. It's more likely that I just need to grow out of it, to some extent.

Being an old man really sounds like fun to me. For some reason, a sense of finality seems like it might be so relaxing. Right now I'm 21 and looking at more possibilities than I know what to do with. It's really overwhelming. I envy the generations before mine, who could be raised in a trade. Like if you were the shoemaker's son, your dad would teach you to make shoes, and then you'd make shoes. That's just not the kind of hand that most people in our generation are dealt anymore. Granted, however, that this is all from a young American middle-classer from the pit of suburban dysfuntionality. On a related note, I really don't dislike the suburbs anymore: sometimes they are very comforting. Families are comforting.

The world is odd.

I'm in the midst of a huge Starflyer 59 bender. It's not that every album is an A+, but none really fall below a B or so to me. I'd say the first five or so albums are more solid than the later ones, but there are certainly from gems from those too. Jason Martin's a huge inspiration for me, he just seems like kind of a freak with good taste in music who can craft really great albums. He's also a truck driver. I like reading about people's lives.

I've been having a vision of myself at 35 or so, kind of overweight, just sitting at a computer with headphones on, chronicling music, mangy and snacking on chips or something. Probably in a not-that-shabby-but-nothing-to-write-home-about apartment somewhere. It's not what I'm aspiring to, by any means, but it's nice to look at a worst-case-scenario glimpse of your future and know that it's not all bad.

That paragraph is ridiculous and pseudo-depressing, but exaggeration helps to put things in perspective sometimes, I think.

Lately people have been surprising me, but in good ways. People are complicated, I'm still learning to never think you've figured them out completely. You know what's odd? Almost all of the most cliche adages you hear are all true. "No pain no gain" - no risk, no reward. "You can't win 'em all." "Life goes on." I hate to admit that these are true, but lo and behold, here we are.
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